What does “Love Actually” actually tell us about our relationships, and how to use questions — and … [+]
“A two-hour whirlwind of improbable, questionable and downright daft scenes of love, propped up by a star-studded cast.” That’s how the BBC described “Love Actually” at the film’s 20th anniversary last year.
The Christmas classic has been critized for fat-shaming and lack of diversity, and, prompted by his own daughter, the director, Richard Curtis, has said that he feels “stupid and wrong” about certain elements of his movies.
But maybe this questionable love story with questionable characters making questionable decisions is just what we need to up our questioning game?
“Love Actually” is often described as a rom-com that follows the lives of eight different couples as they deal with their love lives a month before Christmas in London, England. But there is more to “Love Actually” than romantic relationships.
The movie also shines a warm and loving light on, 1) the relationship between strangers, 2) working relationships, including the relationship between leaders and employees, 3) the relationship between (step) parents and their kids, and even 4) the relationship we have with ourselves — yes, I am thinking of the self-encouraging declaration Kris Marshall’s character makes before leaving for the United States: “I’m Colin. God of Sex, I’m just on the wrong continent, that’s all.”
So, what does “Love Actually” actually tell us about our relationships, and how to use questions — and the holidays — to make the most of them?
“Do you love him?” Mark has been observing his best friend dancing with his bride for some time when Sarah asks him this question. The question clearly surprises Mark, so Sarah explains herself by adding:
“I just thought I’d ask the blunt question in case it was the right one, and you needed someone to talk to about it. And no one had ever asked you, so you’d never been able to talk about it even though you might have wanted to.”
When approaching someone we don’t have a close relationship to, we have the opportunity to introduce topics that the people who are close to them would never address. And while the answer might be no — as Mark makes clear — chances are we’ve established a connection with our question that opens up for other questions: “This DJ, what do you reckon?”, Mark asks, “The worst in history?”
The trick to successfully connect with strangers is to be as honest and humble as Sarah is when she says, “I just thought I’d ask the blunt question in case it was the right one.” But it’s also to invest a few minutes reading the room before inviting someone to share. After all, “Do you love him?” probably wouldn’t have occurred to Sarah if she hadn’t spent the previous moment observing Mark observing his best friend dance with the woman they both love.
Is “Love Actually” with its questionable characters making questionable decisions just what we need … [+]
As the newly elected Prime Minister, David is determined not to jeopardize England’s relationship with the United States. So when his staff asks critical questions of the visiting U.S. president, he dismisses them by saying, “Let’s move on, shall we?”
But then the American president makes a move on the new household, Natalie, to whom David is attracted. And it makes David reconsider the nature of the relationship between England and the United States.
So when asked at a press conference if he agrees with the American president that England and the United States have a special relationship, David says: “I love that word, ‘relationship.’ Covers all manners of sins, doesn’t it?”
In “Love Actually”, it is David’s feelings for Natalie that make him find the strength within himself to give his employees, people and country what they need. But of course, the trick to connecting people in the workplace is not to fall in love with your employees. It is to use the critical questions your staff is asking to reconsider if you’re doing what it takes to protect what really matters from all manners of sins.
When Liam Neeson’s character Daniel decides to talk to his stepson about his isolation after his mother’s death, he starts by asking the same kinds of questions that most parents ask — with the same failing luck:
“What’s the problem, Samuel? Is it just mum, or is it something else? Maybe school? Are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?”
It’s only when Neeson stops asking questions and his stepson gets a chance to ask a question of his own that the conversation gets going:
Sam: “You really want to know?”
Daniel: “I really want to know.”
Sam: “Even though you won’t be able to do anything to help?”
Daniel: “Even if that’s the case, yeah.”
Sam: “The truth is, actually, I’m in love.”
Daniel: “I’m a little relieved.”
Sam: “Why?”
Daniel: “Well, because I thought it would be something worse.”
Sam: “Worse than the total agony of being in love?”
Daniel: “Um. No, you’re right. Yeah, total agony.”
The trick to successfully connect across generations is to be okay with not knowing what to ask, not being able to do anything, and not having a plan for how to help. The second, Daniel is okay with that, he is also ready to figure things out along the way.
And, most importantly, he is ready to do so in the company of Sam rather than on his behalf. Which is brilliantly illustrated by the roles being reversed so that it’s now Sam asking all the questions. Daniel ends the Titanic scene by jokingly saying, “Basically, you’re fucked, aren’t you?”, making it clear that when it comes to love — and life — we’re all in the same sinking boat as “Kate and Leo.”
“I just worked out why I can never find true love,” Colin says to his friend. “Why is that?” his friend asks. And then Colin shares his theory about just being on the wrong continent. “I should just go to America,” he concludes. “I would get a girlfriend there instantly.”
When Colin asks his friend what he thinks about his plan, he says, “I think it’s crap, Colin.” But that doesn’t stop Colin. He responds, “No, that’s where you’re wrong. American girls would seriously dig me with my cute British accent.”
“You don’t have a cute British accent,” his friends objects. But Colin insists, “Yes, I do. I’m going to America.” Even when his friends says, “Colin, you’re a lonely, ugly arsehole, and you must accept it,” Colin persists, “Never.”
The trick to successfully connecting with ourselves is to ask our own questions about who we are and what we need to do to succeed. And then owning our own answers. No matter how much his friend insists that he is ugly and stupid, Colin does not give in: “No, I’m wise. Stateside I am Prince William without the weird family.”
“Love Actually” reminds us that Colin, Sam, Daniel, David, Natalie, Mark, Sarah and all the other questionable characters are right. We are all very lovable. Sometimes we’re just on the wrong continent. And then it’s good to know that our opportunity to bring ourselves and our relationships to a better place is just a question away.
One Community. Many Voices. Create a free account to share your thoughts.
Our community is about connecting people through open and thoughtful conversations. We want our readers to share their views and exchange ideas and facts in a safe space.
In order to do so, please follow the posting rules in our site’s Terms of Service. We’ve summarized some of those key rules below. Simply put, keep it civil.
Your post will be rejected if we notice that it seems to contain:
User accounts will be blocked if we notice or believe that users are engaged in:
So, how can you be a power user?
Thanks for reading our community guidelines. Please read the full list of posting rules found in our site’s Terms of Service.
Français 
English